He is different. Not in the “oh he is so romantic, I have stars in my eyes” kinda different. He has a psychological disorder. I was taught not to label so I cannot tell you which one exactly. He is very aloof. Doesn’t like to answer my questions nor does he seem to be able to answer without pushing for an answer. It consumes a lot of energy to keep pushing. I don’t like to be pushy. He is very absent-minded around me. As though he doesn’t feel me anymore or maybe I don’t feel him. Kinda like we are on our own together but separately which is true because we are all weirdly alone in our head. I think he doesn’t know how to talk to me. Another one the same, I know.
He is not emotionally unavailable like a lot of other boys. He is just wayward. Mostly emotionally blocked but won’t let me know he is blocked so unblocks himself sometimes to give me an illusion. Do I make sense? I’d say I’d break out of this pattern but I don’t. I don’t know why. I don’t want to be the one that leaves nor gets left. I want him to think about things that I need off him. Instead he stays distant from me. He doesn’t want to get emotionally attached but maybe he wants me to like him more than he likes me. Doesn’t he care to have a conversation with me regularly? He doesn’t feel these feelings. It’s too much work. It would be an obligation. I thought love sparks an impulsivity to care for the other no matter how busy you are. I’m sure I’m not the girl he wants nor the only one feeling this. If he did then I wouldn’t be telling you this. I’d tell him how I feel instead.
So I told him. He feels guilty and its all about him again but I guess maybe he doesn’t feel love and respect for me. He sees me as just another girl. He says he doesn’t love and respect himself either. How can I make him love himself if he doesn’t have the will for it? I can’t even try to get closer to him. If I try to get closer to him, he will run further away. Classic. He isn’t loving in the least. He used to be. I think he has forgotten now. It’s an effort he isn’t willing to make time for anymore. He is preoccupied with himself. Sometimes I feel like a stranger, an intruder. I hope things get better but for now I have to prepare myself slowly to let go of him. I still have some time to move on since I have a little control over my feelings. I am waiting for something, maybe an oomph, but I am very uncertain about how things are going to fall in for us. He sees and seeks everything this social life has to offer him and I seek solitude. He is sweet to the people he works with and I am forgotten. We are so very different. I think we will break up the next time we meet or maybe I’ll learn to live in indifference. I shouldn’t be the one responsible for a break up. It has to be mutual like a peaceful divorce. He doesn’t want anyone to know him too well I think.
I want to escape and live in space. I realize its filled with light. Positivity. You see, my brain can twist anything upside down. Nothing is good enough. And if he is the same way as I described myself in the last two sentences then I am fucked. Maybe its good that I don’t get enough attention. It would be too much of a responsibility. He feels obligated which makes me sad. Is loving me a job? Is talking to me a job? Its just everyone has a girlfriend so he has a girlfriend and that pricks me like an invisible needle. I doubt if he ever thought, “She must be thinking that I am indifferent. I know she is sensitive so maybe I should clarify that”. He’d probably get defensive about it the next time instead of just softening up a little. He’d say things like, “You are sensitive.” as though it’s a bad thing to be sensitive. On some days he is very keen to make an effort, “try” to fix our relationship, talk sweetly, acknowledge sensitivity as an aesthetic and on other days he is “gone”. As they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
And it is this stringy feeling I wish I didn’t have to deal with.